Why I Didn’t Want to Fall in Love

As you read this, I need you to curtail the “you’re crazy” reactions. I’m going to get a little personal today and since I’ve opened up about my bowel movements how much more personal can I get??

I’ve mentioned before that I was what I referred to as “chronically single” for much of my twenties. Read “Adventures in Dating”. After more than a few rejections due to my illness, I came to this absurd decision that I was fine by myself.

It’s not like I was sitting at home by myself sharing ice cream with my cat . . . well, not EVERY day. I was making friends and enjoying my life. I decided that this was good. I can still have a fulfilling life and not burden someone with my illness.

Yeah, I’m insane, whatever. Just give me a chance to try and elaborate my thoughts.

I always felt like a burden on my mother and thankfully I have learned over the years that when you love someone it doesn’t matter. My mother was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease back in 2008, eight years after I was diagnosed. Having our roles reversed was shocking but it did help me realize what it meant to take care of someone you love. I discovered that it could never be a burden.

Now bearing in mind that I understood that you can’t be a burden on someone you love, I didn’t want to willfully recruit someone to have to deal with my life. I know it is crazy, but it made sense to me. I believe that us chronically ill think differently, we adjust to a different life in order to get through it.

I believed that if I cared for someone, I wanted them to live a wonderful happy life that didn’t include the mess that comes with mine. Even if that meant that life wasn’t with me. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself, I just wanted to save others from a difficult road. I knew how to handle being sick and I knew how that can change someone’s life. I had happily convinced myself that it made sense and I was good. For the most part.

Then a funny thing happened. I fell in love. And everything I thought I knew went out the window. I’m not sure if I was trying to convince myself to settle because it was easier or if I was just scared. Probably a little of both.

It wasn’t the first time in my life that I was wrong, and it won’t be the last. I’ve learned a lot this past year about letting someone in, especially when it comes to life with a chronic illness. I’ve always had family and friends there for me, but having a significant other right there when you need them is new territory for me. It’s been eye-opening. It’s something I can get on board with.

I don’t claim to be a relationship expert, I’m not. I’m not saying you need to be in a relationship to feel complete, just that you should be open to it. I once went to a psychologist because I was sick and depressed. He was concerned that I was single. I was concerned that I was never going to get better. Needless to say, I didn’t go back. (How was I supposed to go out on a date when I could barely make it two steps outside???)

If you can take anything away from this post, let it be this, don’t settle for being alone because you’re afraid or don’t want to burden someone else with your life. Enjoy your life as much as possible and it will begin to make more sense.

I know *you* will read this at some point – thanks .)