Adventures in Dating

I’ve gone back and forth on writing this. How do I begin to tackle this topic? I was single for much of my twenties, so I have some stories. Crohn’s did sideline me for a few years because I let it get the better of me. I thought I would share a few stories of my dating adventures from the past. This isn’t a post with tips or advice, just some funny moments from my previous dating adventures.

Let’s begin with Mr. No Cake. I would give them nicknames on my phone, nothing degrading (unless they deserved it),  just to make it a little less intimidating and try and have fun. Besides, why learn names and get attached? Mr. No Cake hated cake and bread and everything that I liked. In fact, on our first date, I told him that I don’t trust people who don’t like bread, while I was shoving dinner rolls down my throat. Not sure if I need to tell you that I love bread. He immediately told me that he doesn’t like bread. Weirdo. I ignored my instincts and continued to get to know him, despite this glaring flaw.

After a few dates things were starting to get serious, we were talking all day every day. I thought I liked this guy a lot and I was pretty sure we were hitting it off. After our third/fourth date, can’t remember which one, hands were roaming and I was worried that he would notice my scar. I had mentioned previously that I have Crohn’s Disease, but I kind of downplayed it. He didn’t know anything about it, and I didn’t really enlighten him. All he asked was, “But you’re okay now?” I said, “Sure . . .” In the middle of making out with him, I awkwardly blurted out that I have scars (no colostomy at the time). I showed him and he only really asked when they were from. There were no real follow up questions (red flag) and not much really said after that. The date ended and I didn’t pick up on his disinterest. He stopped responding to my messages after that and I never saw him again. Really dude??  A month later I was in the hospital having major surgery, it was good I found out sooner than later how superficial he was.

Let us move on to Coast Guard Boy. Nice guy, we had some fun together. I think we went out on three dates, on the last one we both got pretty drunk. Looking back on that I can’t believe how stupid I was to get drunk with someone I barely knew, but thankfully everything was okay. Stupid younger me!

A few days after our last date I ended up in the ER. I never even told Coast Guard Boy I had Crohn’s Disease. How would I tell him that I was in the ER? He was traveling for work and was texting me from the airport while I was laying on a stretcher. I didn’t tell him where I was or what was going on. By the time he was back in town I was getting ready for major surgery. I sent the world’s most awkward text. Something like, “Hey . . . so I have this chronic illness and I’m having surgery tomorrow, no big deal, I bounce back fast.” So ridiculous. My surgeon was curious to know if he would stick around. Well, he didn’t. He told me to feel better and then I never heard from him again. I didn’t expect anything, and I was so consumed with prepping for a major surgery, that I barely had anything left in me to be remotely upset about it. All my energy needed to go towards my health.

So brace yourself for the story of Dr. Hawkeye. We met one night and well, I ended up having a one night stand with him. He was a surgeon. Nice guy, he didn’t care about my scars. Clearly. Several weeks later I ended up in the hospital because I had a vaginal fistula. You don’t get vaginal fistulas from sex, that’s not what happened. Crohn’s Disease causes them and in other cases, child birth can cause a vaginal fistula. I was able to laugh at my situation. I was in the hospital with a broken vagina and my recent one night stand happened to be a surgeon at the same hospital. Hysterical. This actually happened, I’m not lying. How can you make this up??

Dr. Hawkeye did find out I was there and came by to visit me. My mom thought he was a doctor who had ordered a test that made me sick and almost yelled at him. No mom, this is my one night stand. Talk about being in an awkward situation!

I’ve also dated multiple guys with Crohn’s Disease. It was great because I knew this person completely understands and I don’t have to explain anything. Each instance didn’t work out for one reason or another, nothing tragic. Sometimes it doesn’t always click. You kind of need more in common than just inflamed bowels.

There was one Crohn’s Boy (his actual nickname is his last name so I will omit that from this story) who I went on a few dates with years ago. We actually met at a speed dating event, really fun, do try it if you are in the market. He was very nice, but we really didn’t have much in common. We were supposed to have a Saturday night dinner and I wasn’t feeling great. I asked for a rain check and he said he would check on me in an hour to see if I changed my mind. I expected someone with Crohn’s Disease to understand that this isn’t a “one-hour thing” it’s more of an “I’m done for the day, kthxby.”

He sent me a nice text two weeks later and that was that. We weren’t on the same page, no harm done. That’s dating.

I almost forgot about the law student (he was around before I gave nicknames, boring). We met for bowling one night, weren’t we cute? He asked me to tell him a random fact about myself. At the time I had a colostomy (my first one) and all I kept telling myself was “Don’t tell him you have a colostomy! Don’t tell him you have a colostomy!” Instead, I blurted out, before I threw the ball down the lane, “I have Crohn’s Disease.” Maybe not the best moment, and probably not the random fact he was looking for. I think before our third date he told me he forgot about other plans he had and we would reschedule. Still waiting for that rain check. Not sure if he bailed because I have Crohn’s Disease or my bowling skills were sub-par.

There were others, many were nice, others not so much, but that’s life when you are putting yourself out there and meeting new people. It can be awkward, intimidating, and nerve-wracking, but it can also be fun and totally worth it. Currently, I’m in a serious relationship and he was worth the wait. Bad dates are worth it in the end because when you find someone you really do know how to appreciate them. I’ve learned to open up during my more vulnerable moments and let someone in. He has been very supportive and is constantly asking those follow-up questions. Red flag if there aren’t follow up questions when you tell someone you have a chronic illness.

For those that are dating, all I can tell you is to have fun with it and don’t let it get you down. No one is worth your aggravation, try and find the humor in it if you can. Did you not read the part where I talked about my broken vagina?! I’m still standing.

Names have been changed, not to protect anyone, but because I don’t want to deal with any nasty emails. If they didn’t want me to talk about them then they shouldn’t have been such assholes.